“I’m… I’m… I’m not alone,” I stuttered as I tried to get my wrist out of James’ iron grip. For a man who was injured he had more power than what I could imagine.
“I’m not alone,” James mimicked in a high tone voice, his smile never leaving his face, but his voice returned to normal as he said: “Do you think that I care for one second that you are not alone?”
“Chris is here.” My voice sounded less shrill, but there was still a tremble that I could not keep out of it.

“You brought your little boyfriend huh? Wanna have a threesome now?” James smile was getting bigger, I still could not get my wrist out of his grip and he was slowly sitting up in the bed.
“You’re sick,” I whispered the words that I have said to him so many times before.
“Maybe. But you enjoy it. You invited me. You wanted everything I did with you,” James sneered. I could feel some spit hitting my face.
“I never wanted any of that. I hate you.”
I wanted him to know how he made me feel so badly, but it was like there were no words in my head strong enough for what I wanted to truly say to him.
“Love and hate is almost the same thing. Did you know that? They are against each other on a very fine line. The two most powerful emotions in the world. You cannot hate someone if you have never truly loved them.” James pulled me on to the bed. I gave no resistance anymore. There was no use. He was just too strong.

“You’re wrong,” I said, looking away from his face, staring behind him hoping that the paint on the wall would open up into a porthole where I could jump to another world where I would be free.
“Do you love your little boy-slut? Chris?” James asked, his face moving closer to mine, trying his best to get me to look him in the eye.
I wanted to badly to ignore him, but I could feel his breath on my mouth, sense him coming closer and closer until he was against me, blocking the wall behind him out of sight.
“What’s it to you?”

“Do you have stronger emotions toward him than to me?” James asked.
I had always known that I did not love Chris the way he wanted me to love him. And I know without a doubt that my hate for James would always be stronger than my love for Chris. It was the truth. The very honest truth. There was nothing that Chris could do, no amount of times he could save me to make me truly love him the way he deserved to be loved.
“No,” I answered still trying my best to avoid my eyes.
“So you don’t want him as your boyfriend?” James asked.
“I don’t want a boyfriend,” I answered, trying my best to avoid the answer he really wanted from me.
“You want someone stable, hey? Someone who can take care of you? Who will love you and protect you from the world out there? That’s what you want.”
James was moving closer and closer with every question. It was like he was inside my mind, hearing my thoughts and my wants, knowing what I really wished for in life. That I was still in so many ways just a child and that I wanted to climb into bed without having to wake at night. To hug a teddy close to my heart and knowing that is the only thing that can touch me in bed.
“Why are you asking me all these questions?”
“I just wanted to know,” James said as he fell back onto the pillow and let go of my wrist. “I love you E.J. but I obviously don’t make you happy. Be careful that you don’t pick someone like Chris that makes you unhappy too.”
“I won’t,” I said.
“Then what are you doing here?” James asked. He suddenly looked weak and frail against the bed. The blood didn’t make him look like a monster from a horror story anymore. It made him look… human. Like he was just a middle aged man who got beat up really badly and was very tired.
“Mom asked me to come and help you. She said you said that you got hurt at work,” I answered as I stood up from the bed. “Why lie to get me here? I could have just left you.”
“Because I love you E.J. I didn’t want to get you in trouble. And the fact that you are here shows that you love me too,” James said with a smile back on his face.
“Do you want something to eat?” I asked, eager now to leave the room. There was nothing wrong with James. He looked and sounded fine.
“You gonna order in?” he asked.
“No. Chris is downstairs. He’s cooking dinner.”
“Yeah. Maybe it would do me good to eat,” James said, and without answering I turned my back to him and walked out of the room.
Nothing about the man in that room was really James, I thought as I walked down the hallway and down the stairs. James wouldn’t have cared about Chris. James would’ve had a knife ready to hold to my throat so that I could suck him off without calling for help. He was sick. Crazy. What kind of man changes so quickly from the one moment to the next. From being a rapist to being someone who pretended to care.
“Had a nice wank?”
Chris’ voice broke through my thoughts as I entered the kitchen.
“Sorry?” I asked, confused about what he said.
“Did you let him wank you after that nice little heart-to-heart as well?” Chris asked. I could see he was fuming. His eyes were red like he was crying, or trying to hold a lot of emotion in.
“What are you talking about?” I asked again, stepping closer to Chris where he was standing in front of the stove. I reached out my hand to touch him but he slapped it away.
“I was standing there! In the door! I heard what you said!” Chris yelled.
“What the fuck Chris?” I said as I took a step back. Chris looked crazy, like he was about to throw the pot that was shimmering on the stove at me.
“You’re emotions are stronger for him than for me?! You don’t want a boyfriend?! You won’t pick someone like me who makes you unhappy?! Is this why you didn’t want me to come along at first?! Because you love him more and you want to fuck him?!” Chris shouted at the top of his lungs, tears starting to stream down his face from anger. The vein in his forehead pumping so hard that I swore it would explode and cover both me and the floor in blood.
A light bulb went on in my head. That is what James tried to do. He wasn’t being loving and helpful. He knew Chris was standing right behind me. He knew that Chris would hear every single word. James tricked me.
“Listen Chris. It’s not what you think,” I said, holding up my hands, trying to show him that I didn’t want to hurt him in any way.
“No! Nothing is ever what you fucking think! Here I am, the fool trying to love you, but you want an old guy to fuck you!” Chris screamed. He was uncontrollable now and I was stuck in a house with my abuser and my boyfriend who was angry enough to kill me.
“Chris… You’ve got it all wrong…” I tried to say but the words Chris had thrown at me hurt so much that I could barely keep standing up, let alone speak.
“You know what E.J.? We’re over! We are fucking over! I never want to see you again!” Chris said as he stormed pass be, out of the kitchen and toward the front door.
My feet came alive and followed him almost as if they had a life of their own. I wanted to ask him to stay. To not leave me alone with James. That everything was just a misunderstanding. I let out a breath when Chris stopped at the front door and turned around to face me.
“Chris… Really… It’s not what you think…” I tried again.
“You know what… Enjoy fucking your daddy,” Chris said as he turned around, opened the door and stormed out into the evening breeze, leaving me standing there, watching him as he ran down the garden path, turned right onto the street and disappeared from sight.
I felt like I had just lost everything I had ever loved. Every hope that I had of getting away from his house of horrors. I could feel the chill closing in on my heart, knowing there was truly no escape anymore. I had lost the only person who was willing to help me get away alive. Seeing Chris run away with my hopes and dreams was like losing everything I had worked for, for many years.
I could feel the sting in my eyes and the lump in my throat as I closed the door in front of me. I could not do what Chris did and just run away from here. There was nowhere left for me to go. There was only this house, and James who said that he loved me but hurt me in every single way that was possible to human kind. He had taken everything away from me. My innocence, my dignity, my love, my emotions, my best friend, my mother, and now my very best friend as well.
I just walked toward the living room, needing to sit down. I didn’t want to run anymore. I was ready to give up. To accept my fate. To meet death with open arms. It was the only way out. The only way left for me from his horrible live. I just wanted a knife so that I could end it all.
I was at the verge of tears when James appeared in the living room door. The dried blood clumsily wiped from his face, but still visible in certain places, dressed only in boxer shorts.
“I’m sorry E.J. but you needed to know who Chris is,” James said as he walked over to the couch and sat down next to me. I could only imagine what he really wanted, because I could not imagine him trying to comfort me.
“You tricked me…” I whispered, swallowing hard on the tears wanting to fall down my face.
“I know you just lost your little toy, but we need to talk about us before your mother arrives tomorrow,” James said as he put his hand on my upper leg. For a moment I wanted to slap it away, but then I remembered that I had decided to give up. He could have whatever he wanted. It was not like I was going to be alive much longer for him to enjoy me.
“I want you to be with me. I want the two of us to be together,” James said softly, like he was trying to be romantic. “What do you think? I think it could work. I love you and you love me. That’s all we need.”
“I hate you,” I answered.
“I know I made some mistakes in the past, but I can change,” James said again.
“You will never change. You will always be a monster,” I answered words I would soon regret.
“You want to play it that way? You want me to be a monster? That’s really who you want me to be? Then I will be a monster. You will stay here. You will be with me whether you like it or not. And if you try anything funny I will take your little brother and start loving him.”
The shock felt like a wave coming from my very core. Keith was his own flesh and blood. Would he really rape his own son?
“You can’t be serious,” I said as he stood up and towered above me, making him look like the monster I knew he was inside.
“Try me sweetheart,” he said as he walked toward the door. “Come up to the room when you’re ready, I will be waiting for you.”
Without a backward glance James exited the room, knowing I would follow.