When I woke up I looked into the eyes of an old woman. She looked like my grandmother. The pearls around her neck, the peach chiffon suit she was wearing and the grey curls framing her face was enough to tell me that she was most likely next to the wrong bed.
“Hi sweetheart,” she said as I tried to sit up right, and immediately she was out from the chair, helping me to get comfy against the pillows.
“My name is Abby,” she said with a smile that could only belong to a grandmother. I pictured her in a kitchen, baking cookies in the shape of dinosaurs, waiting on the porch for her grandchildren to come over so that she could spoil them rotten.

“Hi,” I finally replied. I could hear the raspy voice I said with and my eyes started darting around the room for a glass of water, but almost like Abby was able to read my mind I found myself sitting with a glass of water in my hands within minutes.
“You’re probably wondering why I’m here, right?” Abby said tenderly. There was something about her that I just immediately loved. Like I just wanted to go home with her where she probably had a husband that looked like Santa Clause, and they would both just spoil you rotten.
Instead of taking my first instinct of asking if I could go home with her when I get out of the hospital, I instead just nodded. I did want to know what she was doing beside my bed.
“I’m actually a doctor, but you can just call me Abby,” the smile on her face invited me in. The fact that she was a doctor would have normally scared me, but somehow she didn’t.
“I’m a psychologist. I’m your psychologist. If there is something, anything you would like to talk about. I’m here for you,” her smiled disappeared with those words and I could finally see what was behind them. It wasn’t any form of kindness. She was just doing her job. It was all an act. I knew it.
Abby tried touching my hand, but I immediately pulled away, not wanting her to think that she had established any kind of bond between me and her. As I turned my head away from her, focusing my eyes on the window on the other side of the room she spoke again.

“You don’t have to talk to me right now if you don’t want too. You don’t have to talk about why you’re here. You can just talk about anything that comes to mind. I’m listening.”
For a moment I thought about telling her everything. For one slight moment, until I turned my head back to her and looked at the older frail woman sitting right in front of me, looking like a grandmother from a television show. How could I talk to her? She looked like she was without any sin. Like she had never done anything wrong in her life. Hasn’t seen any hardships. She looked as if she had never even heard of the word sex before. How would she react if I told her? Would she slam her hand over her mouth in shock? Say something like: shame, you poor child? Who could talk to such a person?
“Sorry…I’m a bit tired,” I whispered.
“That’s alright. I will sit with you for a little while,” she said with her soft smile. I could almost imagine her wanting to touch my hand again, but she didn’t.

“I’m tired. I would like to sleep a bit,” I said, wanting above everything that she would just leave. I have dreamed for years of someone coming to save me, but there was no way that it would be this old woman.
“All good, but if you need me, just let them call me. The nurses know where to find me.” I could feel her hand softly brushing against my cheek. “Sleep tight sweetheart.”
I didn’t sleep but I kept my eyes closed. I was planning it again. I was in a hospital. There was sure to be lots of things that I could use to end what I have started. I was sure of that. My thoughts got interrupted by two nurses entering. With opening my eyes every slightly I could see them making the bed next to mine.
“What happened here?” the one nurse asked.
“Suicide attempt,” she answered.
“Such a young child? How?”
“Slit his wrists. The right way actually. The father got him here just in time. In tears. You should have seen the poor man. I felt so sorry for him. The doctor had to give him an injection to calm him down. It took everything not to go over and give the poor man a hug.”
“The mother?”
“She was here too. Had a bit more control than the dad. Sounds like they’re pretty close.”
“Sounds like a happy family. Wonder why the boy would have done such a thing?” I closed my eyes as the nurse turned around. I could feel her eyes burning on me.
“The dad said something about the kid being gay or something. He had a fight with his boyfriend.”
“Shame. Kids of today hey? They just don’t understand there’s lots of fish in the ocean. Always thinking that the first love is the one that will last for all eternity.”
“I still remember my first. Dwayne Meyer. Now he was a dish! Calves like a horse…”
Chatting about their first loves, they left the room. Leaving me to finally open my eyes and stare at the empty bed beside my own until the sleep finally took me over and I fell into darkness once more.