I never thought that I would finally leave the hospital. It felt like I would be in that bed forever. But two weeks later, here I was, on a plane to the ocean with my mother on the seat next to me.
My cellphone buzzed in my hand. I knew I only had a few minutes before I would have to turn it off so that the plane could take off.
Chris: I’m really gonna miss u.
I typed as fast as I could, not wanting to waste a minute.
E.J: Gonna miss you 2. Thnx 4 everything. I will write. Promise.
Chris: You better.
E.J: Lol. Yeah. ;)
Chris: I love u…
E.J: Luv u 2. Come visit soon.
Chris: Not even death would keep me away.
I smiled but I did not answer back.
Chris and I had an understanding. He came to visit me yesterday to say goodbye. We would just be friend. I would always love him, and I guess he would always be in love with me. But way too much has happened, and I’m still not even sure I’m gay. For now I just want a normal life. One full of promise and a college education as soon as I graduate. No boyfriends or girlfriends. No sex.
My phone buzzed again.
Brody: Good luck dude! Hope ur ass heals up nicely!
E.J: Lol. Only u would say that. Don’t scare the nurses with that face of urs.
Brody: Yeah Joker!!! I might decide to give old Hazel a heart attack with it somewhere in the dark with it 2night.
E.J: Shame. Ur a devil!
Brody: U know it dude! Good luck! Cum visit soon!
E.J: Sort out ur face first. U might scare me.
I smiled at the outraged emoji he sent as reply.
If it had not been for Brody I had no idea how I would have gotten through the last two weeks. I would have probably died of boredom. Luckily Brody had an amazing sense of humor and as he said, if my ass wasn’t all bandaged up with stitches and he wasn’t straight, he would have proudly done me. I replied that if his face wasn’t covered in molten wax and I was sure I was gay I would have probably done him. It was all a joke and others would probably not have thought we were funny, but it was hilarious to us.
“It’s time to turn off your phone honey,” my mom said from beside me.
She hadn’t spoken much since she came. She asked me to tell her everything and I did. She has been crying ever since. I don’t blame her. She should know that. I do however think she blames herself. Not that she should.
She didn’t tell me what happened to James’ body and I never asked. Maybe I didn’t want to know. All I wanted to know that where I was going there would be a new start without old memories I would have to look into. I asked her to put everything that was in my room in storage. I don’t want to see any of the old memories. Maybe I would be strong enough someday, but I just wasn’t there yet. She promised me a shopping spree as soon as I was up for it. And I am up for it as soon as this plane lands.
I will never be rid of all the memories, or even the pain. It will probably last forever. But I can choose to carry on with my life, whatever that may entail. I have learned that sometimes heroes come in the most amazing forms and that monsters sometimes get rid of themselves. Then you are only left with your own inner demons. And they haunt you. They don’t go away. Mine still gnaws on me every night before I fall asleep with the help of a clever little pill my doctor prescribed. But there will be a day where I will be able to sleep without it and not get nightmares. I am sure of that. Like Shelly said. I am lucky. I will heal.
Maybe one day I will come back. Not for the foreseeable future… but someday at least. For now I want the one thing I think I do deserve. Normality and happiness. And remembering that nothing should ever be hidden behind drawn curtains.